Written: sometime in 2024

To Tobi

Dear Tobi,

Sometimes I wish I could express exactly how I feel. Sometimes I'm certain no one feels exactly how I feel because it doesn't feel like anyone does. Sometimes I sit alone and think about how alone each person is in this world, how no one can truly understand the other person. Because as much as we try, we truly can't understand them—we'd have to be them to understand them truly.

But going back to how I wish I could express how I feel in words: I think on a lot of occasions the problem isn't exactly that I can't find words to express my thoughts—which is weird because aren't I thinking in words? But I don't think so. The problem is that I don't even understand my feelings or my thoughts, which means on a lot of occasions, the issue isn't about my eloquence; it's about my lack of understanding of myself. And this brings me back to the fact that if we can't truly understand ourselves, it does mean that even if others could get into your thoughts and be you, they wouldn't understand you either.

And that's the mystery I battle tonight as I write this. Will I ever understand myself, or will I forever continue to find out who I am? Which in itself poses a problem because I keep changing, and then I keep trying to catch up to understand myself. And if I can't even understand myself, how do I expect someone else to attempt to understand me?

Lastly, I think to myself: others seem to be figuring themselves out and understanding themselves, which begs my question to you—am I then the problem for not understanding myself? Or are others just faking it? Which makes the world even sadder to think about.

Do write back.

Sincerely,
Adeyemi